Me, My Best Friend, and Middle Earth
by Shadoe Elf
Summary: Katy and her best friend, Reggie, are zapped out of math class and into Lothlorien. So they decide to make the best of it, with Katy's bottomless backpack, and Reggie's Math Book of DOOM. Torture opportunities abound. Feel VERY sorry for the inhabitant
1. Default Chapter

Okay, this used to me Me, My Best Friend, Her Other Friend, and Middle Earth, I took it down, and completely wrote it all over again with a new story line (don't have one yet, it'll come... s..l..o..w..l..y..), new characters, new entrance, and, hopefully, no Mary Sues. Katy Thorpe is a normal girl, no extra ordinary powers, not perfect quite the clutz while her friend, Reggie, is a math whiz, sports whiz, but isn't perfect, she has a nasty temper, is veeeery stubborn, and while usually rather graceful can, at times, be as clutzy, or clutzier, than Katy, her best friend.  
  
And while this isn't my first attempt at humor (my first was woefully lacking) this is one of my first humor fics and any and all helpful criticism will be appreciated.  
  
Author's Rant About Flames:  
Flames will be read, ignored, laughed at, joked at, insulted, spit on, and basically flushed down the drain.  
  
So, sit back, relax, laugh, snort, and enjoy the show.  
  


* * *

  
  
It started in math class, a very boring math class, a very, very, very, very boring math class. One in which I was failing, flunking, flushing down the drain, completely ruining. And so of course you're asking me why I'm making paper air planes and spitballs instead of paying attention to the older-than-dirt teacher.  
  
Well, because I was bored, and that word and Katharine Rose Thorpe don't go well together. Yep, that's me, Katy, and sitting next to me was my best friend, Regina Elaine Aniston (no relation to the actress). She was currently writing a note and paying attention to Mrs. Hart, pruney old bat, at the same time.  
  
Reggie then slipped the scrap of paper onto my desk. _You know, if you would actually pay attention in class you might pass. Of course, you parents would let you do more._ I scowled at the paper.  
  
You see, no one knows why we're friends. We are complete and total opposites. I fail in and hate math, she excels in and loves math. I love and excel in Spanish. Reggie in French, but that's about it. I love horses and horseback riding, Reggie's terrified of horses. We even look completely opposite, She's short, light brown skin, coffee colored eyes, with shoulder length crimped black hair, and a roundish face. Not overweight round, just round.  
  
I'm tall, with mid-back length brown hair, normal hazel eyes, and a slightly narrow face. Oh yeah, and the ugliest pug nose in the world. Finally starting to narrow out... a little. And I look like my mom, it's terrifying, no one believes I'm adopted anymore. Well I have a birth certificate to prove I'm not, but I'm still convinced I was switched at birth.   
  
We bicker all the time about little stupid annoyances, but none the less we're best friends. At least I thought so until the surprise question.  
  
"Ms. Thorpe, what is the answer to x + 58 = 173?" Mrs. Hart asked me. My mouth opened and closed while Reggie snickered in her desk next to mine. The old bat aka Mrs. Hart had the beginnings of a purely evil smirk.  
  
"Uh, uh, uhhhhhhhh. 42!!" I finally shouted triumphantly as a huge white and green thunder bolt smacked down between my desk and Reggie's.  
  


* * *

  
  
Yes yes, I know, very, very, short, even for me. But I swear that the next chapters will me much, much, much, longer. 


	2. THE SKY IS FALLING!

  
  
Hi,  
I'm finally back! A red and gold dragon appears Meet Drake, my muse.   
  
Drake: Yah, it took ya long enough. Hello.  
  
Me: Go boil your head in acid. I don't know _why_ I put up with you.  
  
Drake: Because I'm adorable.  
  
Me: What stuff are you on? Can I have some?  
  
Drake: Haha.  
  
Me: Oh, it's just regular dragon muse stupidity?  
  
Drake: Yea- Hey!  
  
Me: Hay is for horses, you aren't one.  
  
Drake: Shut up! That's not what I meant!  
  
Me: mumbling incoherently  
  
Drake: What was that?  
  
Me: innocently Nothing! Get on with the disclaimer.  
  
Drake: Yah, yah, whatever. Ahem Shadoe Elf does not own any of the familiar characters in this fic. So evil lawyer guys can just go to the next person evil lawyers shuffle away grumbling. Besides, if she owned LOTR she would lose remaining brain cells trying to keep up with everyth-.  
  
Me: Bangs muse over head yah, ignore that last part.... anyway... Here it is, the first official chapter.

* * *

Me,My Best Friend, and Middle Earth  
  
Chapter One 

  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs. "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE SIMBA! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!" I yelled for no particular reason as the ground fell away and Reggie and I tumbled through thin air. We crashed through trees and landed on a hard surface.  
  
"Katy, maybe you should pay attention in class sometimes?" My so-called friend said. I glared at her.  
  
"And why would I want to do that." I snapped, glaring at her in annoyance.  
  
"So you'll pass the end of year tests and graduate?"  
  
"Walter! I've been in high school seven years! I'm no dummy!" I shrieked.  
  
Reggie blinked. "Right.... Dumb ass, you're still in Middle School." I glared harder.  
  
"It's a quote idiot! I read it somewhere." Now she glared at me.  
  
"I'm not an idiot! Idiot." She snapped.  
  
"Moron."  
  
"Retard."  
  
"Imbecile."  
  
"Half-wit."  
  
"Cretin."  
  
"Simpleton."  
  
"Stupid."  
  
"Clueless."  
  
"Dim."  
  
"Dopey."  
  
"Dopey? Dwarves stink Blockhead!"  
  
"Nitwit."  
  
"Prat."  
  
"Witless."  
  
"IDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOT... Haha I win!!!!" I cried triumphantly.  
  
"M' lady?" A voice interrupted my thoughts of victory. I turned around to see ten people staring at me. So I did what any person would do in the circumstances...  
  
I screamed... _Loud_."AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MORRIS! THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY TO THE FUNNY FARM WHERE LIFE IS GREEN ALLA TIME!!!" I screamed, no, shrieked at the top of my lungs.  
  
"Are you well Lady?" The same person as before asked me. I took a closer look at him. Lesse... Greasy, reddish blond hair, flea infested beard, big shield and sword, and a horn.  
  
I screeched again. "WILSON! HIDE ME! IT'S THE BEARD-O-METER! HIDE ME!" I yelped jumping behind Reggie who was staring at the other nine people.  
  
"Katy?!" She asked, her voice somewhere between squealing and squeaking, making a sound not unlike Mrs. Hart's fingernails on the blackboard wince. "That's the _Fellowship_!!!" She half yelled.  
  
"Uhuh.. Yeah... Sure... Change the subject... Los- WHAT?!?!?!?! The Fellowship Of The Ring? In the flesh!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MARCUS!!!" I yelled, matching pitch. All the strange people wince. I looked at Beard-o-meter (Boromir) quizzically. "Hey! Why aren't you dead?" I asked innocently. My eyes widened. "OHHHH!! Look David, it's a ghostie!!" I looked at Beard-o-meter who was looking rather bewildered. "Can I stick my hand through your stomach?" Without waiting for a reply I punched him in the stomach, cracking all my knuckles on his chain mail.  
  
"...ow." I said pitifully.  
  
"Katy... This is L-O-T-H-L-O-R-I-E-N!" Reggie spelled out. "Él no muere hasta la gallina de Amon moron!" I stared at her, she didn't get it.  
  
"But he's supposed to be D-E-A-D!" I yelped. "HE'S A ZOMBIE!!!" I shrieked and began running around in circles waving my arms around. I was still screaming until I ran up to the dais and tripped over something white. I fell back down the stairs and rolled onto my back. "Ohhhhh.... Prettty!!! Starss!!" I sat up and looked at the hippie bending over me. "Stars are precioussssssssss, princey." I hissed, doing a Gollum impersonation and enjoying watching Legolas jumping backwards.  
  
Reggie ran over and pulled me up bouncing as she did so. "KATYKATYKATY!!!" She yelped. "Aragorn's here!!"   
  
I nodded wisely. "That he is young grasshopper, he's also engaged, and eighty some years old."  
  
"I hate you." She muttered.  
  
I grinned. "I know Watson, cause if you loved me... that would be scary... and wrong."  
  
"Excuse me lady, why are you here?" Aragorn broke in.  
  
I looked at him while Reggie drooled behind me. I shrugged. "No clue, señor. All I know is that one minute me and Drooler were in math class, run by that old fogey Mrs. Hart, bears a strange resemblance to a yrch, er... yeah, and Reggie was being a moron-"  
  
"Moron yourself!"  
  
"-then a big greenish white... thing... hit the ground between our tables and we were here. That's all I know, Acorn." I finish.  
  
"Aragorn." I nodded.  
  
"Yeah, exactly, Acorn. And that's Leggylass, Beard-o-Meter, Gim-Gim, Fro-Fro, Sammy the Pansy, Pip the Pin, and Merry the Canary." I shrugged, "Quite easy really... Unless Gim-Gim wants to go by the alias Stinky... It could be arranged." I receive the dirtiest glare ever. If looks could kill I'd be fertilizer.  
  
"Child. How did you come to be here." I turned around and saw Lady Galadriel right behind me. I jumped about two feet in the air and landed on Reggie's foot, earning myself a slap on the back of my head.  
  
"I'm not really sure, M' lady." I said respectfully. I'm crazy, but not stupid enough to get killed by being rude to a very powerful queen. "But I do know all the parts of a sugar molecule: 6 Carbons, 12 Hydrogens, and 6 Oxygens." Okay.... maybe not. I glared at Reggie who was snickering. "What?" I snapped. "Do you have a better idea?"  
  


  
  
She didn't, and that's why, thirty minutes later we were being questioned by the Fellowship. Of course Reggie wasn't that big of a help. She came out of her comatose/droolfest over Aragorn every few minutes to add entirely unhelpful comments. The interrogation went as follows.  
  
Aragorn. "What's are your names?"  
  
Me. "Katharine Rose Thorpe, at ya service."  
  
Reggie. drools "uhh wha-?"  
  
Me. pokepoke "He wants your name genius."  
  
Reggie. "I'm a genius! Wow, I could never have told you that! Oh! Regina Elaine Aniston. But you are only allowed to call me Reggie."  
  
Me. "Moron. And I only answer to Katy."  
  
Legolas. "Why have you come and how do you know so much, young one?"  
  
Me. "Should we tell them, Grasshopper?"  
  
Reggie. drool  
  
Me. pokepoke "REGGIE!"  
  
Reggie. "Oui, stupide, le roi exilé regarde très chaud polkadotted dedans des boxeurs."  
  
Me. "Valar you're hopeless. Should. We. Tell. Them?"  
  
Reggie. "Yeah, whateva."  
  
Boromir. "Tell us what?"  
  
Me. "Fine. Okay, we're from the future. We know what's gonna happen because it's famous where we're from. And we're not telling you cause that kinda ruins it."  
  
Aragorn. Weird look "How did you get here. Are you magical?"  
  
Me. "Ha! Us magical. You have a better chance of getting Smeagol to dance around singing Eminem at the top of his black lungs."  
  
Gimli. "Lass. How did you get here?"  
  
Me. "Dunno. Some time warp thing maybe? Or the Universe just took pity on us for enduring Mrs. Hart for as long as we did......"  
  
Lady Galadriel. "Child, would you care to relate the events that happened leading up to your sudden appearance earlier?"  
  
Me. "Whoa! Freaky, how'd you get here? I didn't even hear you."  
  
Legolas. "Elves are naturally silent of foot. Not even a trained human ear can hear us if we do not wish them to."  
  
Me. "Oh... So... you want me to relate everything that happened before we appeared?"  
  
Lady Galadriel. "Yes child."  
  
Me. "Well, it all started August Thirty-First Nineteen Seventy-Five of the Fifth... No... Mebbe Sixth age when Marleen Anderson and Garreth Thorpe met........  
  


  
  
Four hours later and Reggie still can't believe it. "I cannot believe that you told your life story, beginning before your parents were married, until now. I can't believe it."  
  
Scowling at her in annoyance from where I sat on the edge of the Talan we'd been given, I retorted."Hey, at least I didn't tell Aragorn about how you've worshipped every poster you have of him since the movie came out." Reggie shut up... Kinda.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
"Jerk."  
  
"Dork."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Moron."  
  
"Ho."  
  
"Prostitute."  
  
"Seulement pour mon prince d'elf." I told her proudly. Hey, just cause I can speak Spanish doesn't mean I'm hopeless in French... I'm just not completely fluent. Yet, but I will prevail! I will soon master the language of the French!  
  
Reggie looked seriously ill. "And you say I'm bad about Aragorn." She said.  
  
"You are." I said airily. "Plus, I wasn't talking about this Elf. I'm talking about Orli." I stuck my nose in the air and walked off, bumping straight into Haldir. "Sorry." I called over my shoulder as I 'stalked' off into a tree and fell off the Talan. I could hear Reggie snickering behind me. Luckily we had been on the lowest floor of the Talan and there were deep piles of leaves everywhere  
  
"What does he see in a clumsy prostituée like you?" She called as I picked myself off the ground. I looked up glaring at her as she laughed her ass off.  
  
"Shaddup." I called, flicking her off as I started up the ladder. Once there I stalked into my 'room' and closed the door.  
  


  
  
Later in the day after Reggie stopped laughing at me I allowed her into my room. I had just found my backpack and we were playing Go Fish on the bed.  
  
"Fives?" I requested of Reggie.  
  
"Go Fish."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Why were you acting like that? I mean, you're weird, but not that weird." Reggie asked as I fished through the mound of loose cards on the bed.  
  
"Well," I said as I chose a card. "Here people don't know us. They don't know what we're like. They can't go running and rat us out to our parents, we have the perfect torture opportunity." I explained, rearranging my cards.  
  
Reggie grinned, her expression purely evil. "Ya know, I never did like Gimli or Boromir all that much... Eights?"  
  
"Exactly. Go fish." All in all, it was the perfect ending to the weirdest day....

* * *

There ya go! Sorry this took so long! I finished it last month but I've been re-reading and editing and changing scenes, I am finally done! everybody cheers  
laterz, Shadoe. Translations!  
  
Spanish-  
'Él no muere hasta la gallina de Amon' = He doesn't die until Amon Hen moron.  
  
French-  
'Oui, stupide, le roi exilé regarde très chaud polkadotted dedans des boxeurs' = Yes, stupid, the exiled king looks very hot in polkadotted boxers.  
  
'Seulement pour mon prince d'elf' = Only for my Elf prince  
  
'Prostituée' = Prostitute  
  



End file.
